Love is the Bridge

“I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you.”
Roy Croft

How do I love thee?  Let me count the ways.  Everyone knows the words to this now infamous poem by Elizabeth Barrett Browning.  And with Valentine’s Day right around the corner, I’m sure we’ll be hearing them a lot more.

liabrooklynbridge

My beautiful daughter Lia Varga on the Brooklyn Bridge/Photo by Larry Yu

I’ve always had mixed feelings about Valentine’s Day.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t appreciate the expressions of love and gratitude.  My husband still makes my heart skip a beat when he walks in carrying a bouquet of long-stemmed red roses and my ears will never tire of hearing the words, I love you.  While my arms will be forever grateful for his embrace, however, I expect and want these expressions of love every day of the year.

Valentine’s Day has long been recognized as a day when we can show our appreciation and express our love.  Many believe this is best shown through big gestures like expensive jewelry and romantic getaways.  However, several studies have continually shown that the small, repeated gestures are what matter most.  Not surprisingly, researchers also found that people prefer behavioral actions over verbal expressions.

As I often say, words are cheap if your actions don’t follow suit.  The small little things we do are what help us to feel loved and appreciated every day and this applies to both romantic and platonic relationships.  It’s important to feel loved, wanted, and needed by all the significant others in your life.  Those little gestures that say, Hey, I’m here for you, I care about you or I still love you, are important to any relationship because they keep the bond of love going.

Recently, I went out to dinner with one of my closest friends, Karen.  We have been friends since high school (Yes, a very long time!).  Over dinner, we were talking about our high school years and I recounted how she bought me a new pair of sneakers with her very first paycheck.  Karen looked over at me and laughed asking, “How do you remember these things?”

At the time, I only smiled at her in response.  The truth is, though, I remember because those little gestures and those beautiful moments have left footprints on my memory.  I remember because each gesture, each memory has left an imprint on my heart.  And when the day comes for me to leave this Earth, there they will forever remain.

Naomi Judd’s career came to an abrupt end in 1991 after she announced she was diagnosed with Hepatitis C.  The announcement was made in the midst of their Love Can Build a Bridge Tour at a time when the Judds were at the high point of their career.  Thankfully, she is now doing well and has since resumed some concert tours with her daughter Wynonna.

“Love Can Build a Bridge,” written as a heartfelt farewell song to her fans, won Naomi an Emmy.  Speaking of her mother, Wynonna said, “This next song represents the 10 years I spent on the bus with my queen.  Those were some of the best years of my life; I just didn’t know it back then.  But looking back, I now realize more than ever that the history we made together was a true miracle.”

(Wynonna Judd singing “Love Can Build a Bridge”)

Beautifully said, Wynonna.  I, too, have a fond memory with my mother on the bus.  My mother took the day off from work to accompany me on a school trip to the Bronx Zoo when I was in first grade.  I can still remember how proud I was to be sitting next to her as she sat holding my hand.  Like you, I was too young to realize just how precious those moments truly are.

Love cannot only build a bridge.  Love is the bridge.

 

 

WHAT GOES AROUND, COMES AROUND

“Loving people live in a loving world. Hostile people live in a hostile world. Same world.”
Wayne Dyer

We’ve all heard the popular wise sayings, you reap what you sow and what goes around, comes around. Growing up my mother was a bit more frank with me. She’d say things like, “You better be careful what you say and do because it might come back to bite you in the ass.” This was just her way of saying you get back whatever you put out thands-1150073__340here in the universe.

But how true is this? Today, I went to my local Shoprite to do my weekly food shopping.  Rain fell in the damp air outside as I shopped.  As many of you know, I had surgery on my right Achilles tendon in April 2016.  I’m still recovering and the pain seems to worsen whenever the weather is rainy.  Today was no different and, honestly, I could not wait to go home, take some Advil, and put my feet up.

As I was in the checkout line, the cashier was chatting with the boy who was bagging my groceries. She explained that after 13 years of marriage she was getting divorced.  I could clearly see how upset she was but didn’t say anything at first.  But then she went on to say that she had been both verbally and physically abused by her husband.  “Everyone told me I deserved better,” she said.  “My friends would tell me that I was a beautiful woman and shouldn’t take that from anyone.”

Sensing how upset she was, I couldn’t resist the urge to talk to her.   “Excuse me, I couldn’t help but overhear what you were just saying,” I said.  “Yes, you are a beautiful woman and, no, you don’t deserve that.  No one deserves to be abused.”

I’m sure the other customers who were waiting in line were not happy with me at this point but I continued. I told this woman about a friend of mine who was in an unhappy marriage for a long time.  I went on to repeat to her what I had also told my friend, “It’s not over until you say it’s over.”

She nodded in agreement as a smile warmed her face. “You will find the happiness you so desperately want but you have to first let go of toxic relationships,” I added.  “When you let go of all the bad, you will make room for all the good.”

I’m proud of you, I told her. She looked at me seemingly stunned by my words and reached forward to take my hand.  “Thank you,” she told me.  “I really needed to hear that.  People don’t usually listen to me like that.  Thank you so much.”

I said goodbye and made my way out of the store. When I reached my car, the rain continued to fall and so did the pain in my leg.  I’m guessing I was limping a little more than usual.  Suddenly, a woman came up behind me.

“Here,” she told me, “let me help you.” I looked at her a bit dazed as she helped me put the rest of my bags in my trunk.  Then she quickly took my cart and walked it over to the holding station for me. “Thank you,” I said.  “That was very nice of you.”

I got in my car thinking of the kindness this woman just showed me. It made my day a little brighter despite the dreary weather and ache in my leg.

The Law of Attraction is one of 12 Universal Laws. The law basically states that like attracts like.  Our thoughts, words and actions give off energy which, in turn, attracts like energy. So, in other words, you will harvest whatever you plant in this world. If you want good, you have to do good.

Today, I witnessed the truth of this law. I helped a stranger and, in turn, a stranger helped me.  I begin and end this blog with one of my favorite quotes by Wayne Dyer, “Loving people live in a loving world.  Hostile people live in a hostile world.  Same world.”

True, same world. One world. The choice is ours.  Why wouldn’t anyone choose love?

WHY HAVEN’T I RECEIVED A SIGN?

“They that love beyond the world cannot be separated by it.  Death cannot kill what never dies.”  William Penn

VisitsHeaven-HROur loved ones are very eager to let us know that they are around after they pass. People always ask me why they haven’t received any signs. But, truthfully, it’s more likely than not that you are receiving visits from heaven or signs and just not noticing them.

Very often, the signs are so subtle that they are overlooked. Oftentimes we are so immersed in grief that we shrug things off as mere coincidence. Let’s be honest, not all signs or dreams are visits from heaven. But if you are not open and alert, you’ll miss them when they really do occur.

So the number one rule is to make sure you pay attention. For example, you hear your loved one’s name three times in one day. You see her name on signs, etc. If you are not paying attention, you may not even notice. Keep a record of anything unusual that happens. Have you been noticing more coins around the house? Have you been smelling a familiar scent?

And if you’re in doubt of whether or not something was a sign, ask your loved one to send you another sign. Talk to them. Ask them.

Also, pay attention to the thoughts that seem to just pop into your head. Since those on the Other Side are in spirit, they communicate telepathically (mind to mind).

Our loved ones are very much aware of what is going on in our lives. They are still with us and want us to know they are around. Often you may just have a feeling that someone is with you. It’s similar to walking down the street and getting that feeling that someone is following you.

Again, our loved ones are very eager to let us know they are around. But if we are immersed in grief and negative emotions, it is often harder for their messages to come through to us.

Try focusing on a positive memory before you go to sleep, for example. Then ask your loved one to come to you in your dreams. In fact, dreams are one of the most common ways that our loved ones come through to us.

My book, Visits from Heaven, is packed with numerous examples of these signs. In fact, every story is backed up by some sort of proof. So try not to doubt what you already know in your heart. Love never dies.

For more information, please visit http://www.josievarga.com.

 

THE HEART. . . THE SAFEST PLACE TO BE

“None of us can hold someone we love in our arms forever but the one thing we can do is hold them in our hearts.”

safestplacetobeLast week, I was asked to help a woman who just recently lost her son.  Admittedly, requests like these are the hardest part about what I do.  The truth is while I strive to help the bereaved find comfort in the knowledge that love truly doesn’t die, I can’t bring their loved ones back physically.

People ask me all the time if dealing with the loss of a loved one is easier for me now that I know there is life after death.  It’s definitely easier but it’s in no way easy.  When I lose a loved one I find comfort in knowing that life does go on and that I will see my loved ones again but at the same time I miss the physical contact.

The other day I came across a quote that has really stayed with me, “It hurts when you love someone in your heart but can’t have them in your arms.”  I got to thinking this may be true but isn’t the heart the safest place to be?  None of us can hold someone we love in our arms forever but the one thing we can do is hold them in our hearts.

No matter what happens, death cannot take that love away.  No one can.  That love is always there.  It transcends death.

That being said nothing can prepare us for the death of a loved one.  Grief is very personal and individual.  In other ways, it’s our own.  There’s no right or wrong way.  There are no right words.  There are no proven healing methods.  We all grieve in our own way.  What works for some does not work for others.

The word bereaved literally means to be torn apart.  So the way we eventually put the pieces together is our choice.  The one thing that does make a difference is time.  Not to say that the pain is not still there but it certainly helps to have time to reflect and get passed all those “firsts.”  For example, the first birthday without them, the first Christmas, etc.

On Grief and Grieving, a book by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler, describes the five stages of grief.  They are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.  It’s important to note, however, that not everyone goes through all of them, nor do they necessarily occur in this order.  As I said, grief is a deeply personal and singular experience.

No one can tell you how you should feel, how to get over it or how long it should take.  The only person who can understand and deal with the emotions you are going through is you.

According to Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD, grief is the internal expression of loss whereas mourning is external. In other words, grief is how you deal with it on your own while mourning is what you do in public.

There are no easy steps in dealing with grief; no magic tips.  But I would like to mention two things.  First, don’t hold in the grief; let it out. Be honest with yourself about what you are feeling and find ways to express them.  For example, talk to a family member or friend.  Or if you don’t want to talk about it publically, write how you are feeling in a journal.

I once wrote back to one of my readers suggesting that she write a letter to her deceased husband.  She did and wrote me sometime later explaining how therapeutic it actually was for her. Many of the bereaved feel like they never got to say goodbye or say one last I love you.  Well, you still can.  Write a letter.  Talk to your loved one.  I know I have said this a zillion times in this blog and elsewhere but our loved ones are very much aware of what is going on in our lives and they can still hear us.  They are still there spiritually.

Second, find ways to keep their memory alive.  My friend Nancy bought herself yellow roses on her wedding anniversary, for example, because this was something her deceased husband always did.  When you do little things to keep their memory alive, you will be forever reminded that their love has never left you.

Getting back to the quote I mentioned earlier, “It hurts when you love someone in your heart but can’t have them in your arms.”  Yes, it certainly does but when they are in your heart, no one can ever take them away from you.  No matter where you go and no matter what happens in life, in your heart they will remain.