It’s All a Matter of Perspective

The optimist sees the donut, the pessimist sees the hole.”
Oscar Wilde

This morning, despite the deluge of rain bucketing down from the sky—cold and unrelenting—I made my way out to run some errands and ran into the local pharmacy to pick up my prescription.  Since the high winds rendered my umbrella utterly useless, I stood in front of the pharmacy counter both drenched and annoyed. 

The pharmacist politely came over to assist me sporting a smile. Shaking the rain droplets from my jacket, I looked up at him, “Hello, it is so nasty and miserable out there.” 

Still smiling, he looked at me and replied, “Well, it is beautiful in here.” His words instantly shook me out of my dreary mood. “I needed that,” I said returning his smile.  “It is all a matter of perspective.  Right?” 

“Yes, it is,” he replied as he handed me my prescription.  “Have a beautiful day.”

I looked at him gratefully, “Thank you, you, too.”

Your perspective in simple terms is the way you see or view something; it’s our given attitude about a particular thing or situation.  When we find ourselves in negative or stressful situations, it can naturally affect our perspective.  These situations create a negative bias and can cause us to zero in on all the negatives while ignoring all the positives.  We will pass over all the good around us and see only the bad.

One of my favorite quotes by the late great Wayne Dyer, author, and motivational speaker, is, “If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”  Very true.  The way we think and look at things not only shapes our perspective; it also profoundly shapes who we are.

There is a popular parable circulating on the internet about three bricklayers.  As the story goes, after the great fire of 1666 destroyed London, a famous architect named Christopher Wren was hired to help rebuild St. Paul’s Cathedral.  One day, Wren approached three working bricklayers and asked, “What are you doing?” In response, the first bricklayer said, “I’m a bricklayer.  I’m working hard laying bricks to feed my family.”  The second noted, “I’m a builder.  I’m building a wall.”  And the third replied, “I’m a cathedral builder.  I’m building a great cathedral to The Almighty.” 

We have three people doing the exact same thing with three entirely diverse perspectives.  Although many variations can be found, the story is said to be based on fact and is used to illustrate the power of positive thinking.  It shows us how our views and thoughts filter the world with our own internal biases. 

As an example exercise, think of a specific color—red, white, gray or any color you’d like.  Close your eyes and focus on this particular color for several minutes.  Now, open your eyes and see what happens.  I’m willing to bet you’ll start noticing your selected color all over the place.  Have you ever noticed when you are looking to purchase a new car, you start noticing this same make and model everywhere you go? 

No doubt, life can be hectic and stressful making it harder to keep things in perspective.  But at the same time, it is also a constant reminder of both the importance and need for positive thinking.  Remember, as you think, so you become. 

You Can’t Heal Others, But You Can Heal Yourself

“Everything is within your power, and your power is within you.”

– Janice Trachtman

By Guest Blogger: Lia Varga

The Warmth

She raised her voice

Then raised her hand 

I had to block my face

Red with anger

I let it fester

Happiness displaced

I tried to tell her

What was the matter 

With the methods in place

The emotional outbursts

The hurt making more hurt

So that no one was okay

I tried to heal

To warmly appeal

Her heart’s foolish ways

But the more I tried 

The more I cried 

Because nothing ever changed

Then I learned the truth of it

While talking to my walls

If she can’t help herself

She can’t be helped at all

The realization brought me solace 

And helped me understand

I need to heal myself

In order to withstand

All things good and bad

And out of my control

It’s the only way to stay warm

In a world that is cold

I wrote this poem about a friend of mine that I have a complicated relationship with. For a long time, because I loved her, I wanted to help her see the flaws in her ways so that she could be a better person. I wanted to help her understand the way her aggression impacted others. I wanted to show her that she wasn’t handling her emotions effectively. I wanted to show her how to take control of all of these things and become a better person. But time and time again, it never worked. She never listened to or even truly understood the things she needed to improve about herself. She lived in a bubble of her own emotional strife, and was comfortable there. There was nothing I could do to change her, as much as I wanted to. 

Then I asked myself, why is it so important to me to help this person change?

I realized that it was not purely out of love or because I wanted better for that person (though that was a part of it). I wanted to change this person because if I did, it would make things easier for me. I would get along with her better, I wouldn’t feel as frustrated, I wouldn’t be as angry if this person improved themselves. I intensely longed for her to change, but not for her. For me. 

I saw that there was an issue with this. If I want to change this person so badly so that our relationship will be more harmonious and I will be happier, then that may never happen, because I cannot control if they change. I cannot control their healing journey. I cannot control the pace that they learn the flaws in their behavior. If I continued trying to fix this person in order to bring myself more peace, it would ultimately only cause me more pain, waiting for an ending that quite possibly could never come. 

To many this might sound like a powerless situation. This might make you feel defeated and like there is nothing you can do to improve your reality. If your happiness is in the hands of another, and you cannot control them, what do you do?

You heal yourself. 

If you cannot heal the other person, heal yourself.

If you cannot fix the other person, fix yourself. 

If you cannot change the other person, change yourself.

You do have power. The ability to heal yourself and build your mental strength is your superpower. You cannot control anything in life besides yourself. Since realizing this, I have learned to take advantage of that. While I cannot control my friend or her frustrating behavior, I can heal myself so that it no longer bothers me. I can heal myself so that I am comfortable accepting people for who they are, not who I want them to be. I now know I cannot put my happiness in the hands of anyone else. It is up to me, and it is up to you. 

Think about a conflict you are currently experiencing in which you have tried to fix, but have been unsuccessful with and are left feeling defeated. Perhaps you wish your friend would listen to you, you wish your coworker would be kinder to you, or you wish your relatives were more accepting of you. Whatever the case may be, I would like you to reflect on how you have been handling the situation. Have you been complaining about how they have been treating you? Have you been hoping for them to change so you no longer feel stressed out or can finally be at peace? If that is the case, I challenge you to take the situation into your own hands. Realize that you are not powerless. You have the power to heal yourself and build your mental fortitude so that the conflict no longer affects you. You have the power to change yourself, so you have the power to change your reality. Isn’t that amazing?

I know that “healing yourself” is much easier said than done. It has taken me years to find the mental peace that I currently have, and to even know where to start looking for it. If you too don’t know where to start on your healing journey, I highly recommend seeing a therapist (helping you heal yourself is pretty much their entire job). But, it all starts with being brutally introspective. Have those tough conversations with yourself. What are the things you wished were different in your life? What can you do to fix it? 

I have a suspicion that most of the time, the answer will be healing yourself. 

How to Handle Winter Blues and SAD

“As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.”

Maya Angelou

Winter is here and for many it is both the darkest and coldest stretch of the year.  During this time of shorter days and less sunlight, many can experience winter blues or in some cases Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD).  Although the two are sometimes thought to be the same, they are actually quite different.  Symptoms of SAD are more severe than typical cases of winter blues which are more common during the months of January and February.   While it is common to sometimes feel like you are in the doldrums, SAD involves more serious feelings of prolonged depression and anxiety.

In Alaska, for example, winter is the longest season of the year.  My daughter Lia, who has visited Alaska, tells me it is an amazingly beautiful place.  With that beauty, however, comes record low temperatures and extended periods of darkness.  A huge state, conditions vary greatly depending on regions.  In the middle of winter, Utqiagvik— one of the northernmost cities in the world located north of the Artic Circle—experiences about 67 days of darkness while Anchorage has just 5 hours and 28 minutes of sun.  It is no wonder why Alaskans experiences some of the highest cases of SAD.

Those with SAD suffer from a myriad of symptoms including a lack of interest in social activities, difficulty concentrating, food cravings which can lead to weight gain, excessive negative thinking, and more.  Although the causes of SAD are not definitively clear, popular theories suggests it is related to a number of factors including:

● Lack of vitamin D:  Since exposure to sunlight helps to produce vitamin D, decreased exposure during the winter months can lead to a vitamin D deficiency.  Lack of vitamin D can cause mood changes, muscle weakness and loss of bone density.

● Decreased Serotonin:  A chemical messenger in the brain, serotonin helps to regulate your mood and is often called the happiness chemical.  Since sunlight helps to produce this chemical, lower levels can lead to depression. 

● Increased Melatonin:  Less sunlight contributes to an increased production of melatonin which helps to regulate your sleep.  Additional melatonin can lead to increased fatigue, restlessness, and a desire to oversleep.

In more severe cases, SAD can lead to extreme sadness and hence feelings of suicide.  If you’re feeling down this winter, it’s important to first recognize your feelings and various signs.  You cannot fix something that you don’t first acknowledge.  

There is certainly nothing to be ashamed of and you are not alone.  According to the American Psychiatric Association (APA), “About 5 percent of adults in the U.S. experience SAD and it typically lasts about 40 percent of the year.  It is more common among women than men.”  Interestingly, SAD is less common as people get older.  The APA also notes that though SAD can start at any age, it is more common to begin between the ages of 18 and 30.   

There are many treatment options for those suffering from SAD including counseling and medications.  There are also simple ways to combat winter blues:

• Give yourself some TLC:  There are several ways to give yourself some TLC (tender loving care).  Make time for yourself in whatever way works for you.  Personally, my go-to is making time to exercise.  My goal is 30 minutes walking on the treadmill followed by 10 to 15 minutes of weightlifting.  Not only does this improve my health, it also works to boost my mood and reduces stress.

You can also try simple meditation techniques.  Meditation is simply about quieting your mind and relaxing the body.  Sit in a quiet place, close your eyes, and focus on your breathing.  Each time you breathe out say a calming word of your choice in your mind.  Personally, I like to use the word calm and typically meditate anywhere from 10 to 20 minutes.    

• Make Time for Friends:  Although it is tempting to just snuggle under a warm blanket and stay indoors, make time for your friends and family. Go out to dinner or attend other social events as much as possible.

• Get some Sun:  Even when it’s cold outside, exposure to sunlight has many benefits including the production to vitamin D.  Sunlight also helps the body to produce beta-endorphins which help to reduce pain and also helps to trigger mood-boosting hormones.

My daughter Lia and I started a tradition of going to the Jersey shore during the winter months to walk on the beach, get some sun, and spend some quality time together.  At times, it can be brutally cold but these moments I’ve shared with Lia are also priceless and unforgettable.

• Seek Out Support:  Having winter blues or more severe symptoms of SAD can make you feel alone and insecure.  When you are feeling like this, it is important to reach out to your support system.  It doesn’t matter if it’s a friend, family member or co-worker, it’s okay to reach out.  It is impossible to stress how important social connectedness is to both our physical and mental wellbeing.  In fact, research shows that it can help us live longer, happier lives.

I recently read a quote that said, “Love yourself first because that’s who you’ll be spending the rest of your life with.”  An integral part of practicing self-love is giving ourselves self-care.  Unlike the milder case of winter blues, SAD is a severe depressive disorder that should be addressed and treated.  If you are experiencing symptoms of SAD, seek the help of a therapist or medical professional.  Take care of YOU!

The Guilt of Grief

“You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present.”

Jan Gildwell

My sister Virginia and I were visiting our father’s burial chamber earlier this month when the walls of the mausoleum began to echo with the heartbreaking sounds of a woman’s grief.  We looked at each other and quickly got up to find the source of the gut-wrenching sobs.   Our search led us to a middle-aged woman visibly shaken and weeping uncontrollably as she pressed her body against her son’s resting place. 

Hoping to offer this complete stranger some comfort, we walked up behind her hugging her and offering her a shoulder to cry on.  Seemingly grateful for the support, she continued to weep as she told us that her son was a firefighter killed in the line of duty earlier this year.  Her grief ripped through me like waves pounding the shore; it was just so tragic.

After drinking some water, she calmed down a bit to tell us about him: a devoted son and dedicated firefighter who loved his job.  My sister and I introduced ourselves and when she heard who I was and about my experience writing about the afterlife, she felt perhaps fate had put me in her path. She asked me many questions and wanted to know what she had done wrong to lose her son.  In her eyes, she told us, God was punishing her.

I did my best to assure her that nothing she did could have led to her son’s passing as we continued to comfort her.  Obviously, it is not rational to believe her son’s death in a fire had anything to do with her, but guilt grief does not have to be rational because it is not based on reality.  Yet, it is quite common, and we feel it because of the immense pain of our loss.

After my own father died, for example, I was racked with guilt wishing I had taken my father to the doctor sooner.  I drove myself crazy thinking I could have done more for him.  But, in reality, there was nothing more that could have been done.  He had stage-four brain cancer and the doctors assured us that chemotherapy was not a viable option.  He was given four to six weeks to live and passed one month after his diagnosis.  So, while my rational mind knows that I did everything I could for my father, my grieving irrational mind says I could have done more. My point here is that guilt is a normal reaction to grief and should not be ignored.

The key to dealing with feelings of guilt and other forms of grief is to first acknowledge it and seek ways to understand and address your feelings. Other coping mechanisms include journaling, practicing self-care, positive self-talk and seeking grief counseling.  Salvatore Ridente, LPC, Center for Cognitive Psychotherapy in Cranford, New Jersey, noted that guilt is a stage of grief which provides the illusion of control.

“Guilt is a protective mechanism and a way to distract ourselves from grief itself,” said Ridente.  “It is a way our brain tries to control the uncontrollable.  In the case of the grieving mother you encountered, guilt is her way of protecting herself from her feelings.  She is not confronting her feelings. Basically, often in grief, your brain doesn’t want you to deal with the feelings associated with loss. So, instead, we focus on our thoughts which very often involves negative self-talk and guilt.”

No doubt grief guilt is a powerful self-critical emotion.  When we experience a loss, our minds go into overdrive trying to make sense of the unthinkable.  This can involve replaying a lot of past memories and feelings of regret. 

However common it may be, guilt is a heavy burden to bear in addition to the pain of loss.  Recognize your feelings and own up to your thoughts.  When you do, you’ll be on your way to embracing forgiveness and inner peace.  And if you can just remind yourself that your loved one never truly left you and is still very much a part of your everyday life, perhaps you’ll be able to focus on finding happiness once again.

Learning to Love without Attachment

“If you love someone, set them free.”

Richard Bach

By: Lia Varga, Guest Blogger

Love is Never Mine to Keep

Love is never mine to keep

But it shouldn’t be

I believe that love is free

So I won’t tether it to me

Gracefully unpredictable

It comes as it may please

And if it decides to go

I will allow it to leave

Love is never mine to keep

It is boundless like the sea

Impossible to tame

So I bathe in its mystique

I release all control

Feel the tide lift my feet

And allow it to take me 

Where I’m meant to be

Love is never mine to keep

But it is never incomplete

In its essence it is full

Regardless of permanency

I will not hang on to love

When it has other places to be

I will kiss its nose

And hold it close

And then I’ll set it free

I will watch it go

And always know

It was never mine to keep

About a week ago, I was walking through an arboretum with my friend when she asked me how my definition of love has changed over time. We ended up getting side tracked, and pulled away from that conversation for hours. But, in every quiet moment, I found myself revisiting the question. 

How has my definition of love changed over time? 

Well, to answer that question, I first needed to ask myself:

How did I define love before?

I thought about this for a minute. I recalled relationships where I fell absolutely head over heels for the other person. Even friendships, where I would do everything I could to demonstrate my love to show I was worthy of theirs. I would give all of myself, all of my love, every time. I did this because I viewed love as how close I felt, in other words, how attached I was to the other person. I could measure how much I loved someone based on how scared I was to lose them. 

And that’s why losing someone I loved would devastate me, every time. 

If someone that I loved decided to take back their love from me, I could never get over it. I would dwell on my feelings that I still had towards that person, and for as long as I had those feelings, I would want that person back in my life. I would feel like a part of my heart was ripped out and that I was no longer complete. And for a long time, I thought that I would feel this way simply because of how strong my love was for that person.

It wasn’t until my definition of love changed that I realized that was not the case. So, that brings me back to my original question. How has my definition of love changed over time?

After a particularly hard breakup and loads of self reflection thereafter, I came to the realization that the way I viewed love before was tainted by feelings of insecurity. I was always so scared to lose the people I loved, so I would prove my worthiness and demonstrate my love for them constantly. I was not okay with the idea of this person leaving. Even the thought of it would make me incredibly distraught. I knew that I would feel completely disoriented if I lost anyone that I loved. But, that was because I was not secure in myself, and needed that person’s presence and validation to feel secure.

Since then, I have learned that no matter what happens, no matter who comes in and out of my life, I will always be full. Not a single person or thing can make me any more or less full. When I enter a relationship, I enter it full. If it ends, I will still be full. No matter the outcome, I will always be complete, and I will always be okay. 

Now I know that we can love so much better in absence of fear. Without fear, there is way more space to love and to cherish every moment of it. Without fear, without attachment, you can experience love the way it is supposed to be, free. 

So, I would say that my definition of love has changed significantly because I have learned how to love without attachment. Love is a beautiful feeling that should be embraced and felt completely. However, if it does not last forever, release it. It is no longer yours. That is why love is never mine to keep. That is why that’s okay. 

So, if you’re reading this, I challenge you to evaluate your own definition of love. Ask yourself if it is rooted in fear or security. And if the answer is fear, remind yourself that no matter what happens, you will always be okay. You are complete with or without someone else’s love. I’m certain that if you let go of attachment and let yourself love freely, you will be able to experience love to its highest degree. 

Ghosts vs. Spirits: What’s the Difference?

Ghosts are all around us. Look for them, and you will find them.

Ruskin Bond

Last month, I participated in a ghost hunt with Ghost Hunters stars Steve Gonsalves, Dave Tango and his dad, Bruce Tango.  The exciting event took place at the Merchants & Drovers Tavern Museum in Rahway, New Jersey.   Although I did not actually see spirits, I could certainly sense them.  At one point, we were in a bedroom on the second floor when the air became uncomfortable, and I opted to wait outside.  I literally felt like I had difficulty breathing and had no idea why. 

After telling my husband John and daughter Lia what happened, we decided to go into the room a second time.  Yet again, I was consumed with the same feeling of dyspnea and shortness of breath.  I felt a heaviness in that room that I could neither explain nor ignore.  The historical property dating back to the late 1700s is no stranger to paranormal phenomena as a variety of ghostly activity has been reported there through the years.

As an author and paranormal researcher for the past 20 years, I continue to be surprised by how often I’m asked if I believe in ghosts.  The short answer is yes, I believe in ghosts, but I don’t put them in the same category as our deceased loved ones.  I lost my father in February 2022 and while some may argue that this now makes him a ghost, I refuse to see my father, or any other deceased loved one in this way.

What then is the difference between ghosts and spirits? Although the two are thought to mean the same, they are entirely different beings.  A ghost is a disembodied soul that is earthbound or remains on Earth unable to cross over and in many cases attempts interactions with the living.  These interactions can, of course, be negative or positive.  But generally, ghosts are not trying to scare the living; they just want to get noticed and do so by slamming doors, moving objects, etc. They are stuck here or afraid to move on for one reason or another.  The abilities of ghosts vary as some manifestations require more energy than others.

Spirits are heavenly beings or souls that are able to move between dimensions and have the ability to communicate with their family and friends.  Saint Augustine, a mystic and Catholic saint, often spoke about the angelic realms stating, “They become angels when they are sent, for the name angel refers to their office not to their nature.  You ask the name of this nature, it is spirit; you ask its office, it is that of an angel.  In as far as he exists, an angel is a spirit; in as far as he acts, he is an angel.”

In other words, a person is an angel because of their deeds not their nature.  This notion can be applied to ghosts and spirits as well.  Ghosts, spirits, and angels are all disembodied, energy beings.  However, their nature or what they do is what differentiates them.

A recent study by NAR (National Association of Realtors) indicated that roughly 83 percent of Americans say that they have experienced some form of paranormal activity in their home.  Data also shows that 2 in 5 Americans believe in ghosts while another 7 in 10 believe in angels and the afterlife.

I am among the 83 percent who experienced paranormal activity in their home.  When my daughter was six years old, she kept complaining about seeing someone in her room.  She would constantly complain about things moving and would run into my bedroom insisting on sleeping with me and my husband.  At first, to be honest, we assumed she was imagining things.  But when her complaints persisted for more than a month, I began to wonder if there was something more going on.

One day while on the phone with Anthony Quinata, a friend and psychic medium, he asked why I hadn’t told him that Lia was seeing a ghost.  I was stunned beyond belief.  He proceeded to tell me that I did indeed have a ghost in my home, and he was getting the name Amanda or something that sounded like Amanda.  I stood there frozen in my living room with the phone pressed to my ear as he continued with validating details given to him by this entity.  He told me the color of each of my daughter’s bedrooms, described my backyard and told me that he was being told that Lia coughed a lot at night and was being watched over by this ghost. 

It was very hard for me to believe what was transpiring yet I knew every word was true.  For example, Anthony asked me if I had a clock in my home stuck between 8:45 and 10:45.  I told him that I wasn’t aware of any such clock.  He persisted, telling me that Amanda was showing him this clock in my home.  Anthony then instructed me to sprinkle holy water in both of my daughters’ rooms as we both prayed together over the phone.  After about 10 minutes, Anthony told me that the ghost was no longer in my home, and he would then guide her to the Light.  Again, this was all very difficult for me to believe.  However, my daughter stopped complaining about this ghostly presence from that day forward.  She stopped just like that.

Coincidence?  No, I don’t think so.  One week later while cleaning a cabinet in my living room, I found the clock Anthony had asked me about and it was indeed stuck between 8:45 and 10:45!  So, again, do I believe in ghosts?  Absolutely, I do.  But not all ghosts are evil or up to no good.  In my case, Amanda was a kind spirit who used to live in my home and had become very fond of my daughter Lia. 

Ghosts can certainly mean different things depending on the context and culture. The Igbo people, an ethnic group in Nigeria, believe that we are concurrently both a physical and spiritual body, but it is the spiritual body that is eternal.  I agree.  Albert Einstein showed that energy is constant and can neither be created nor destroyed—it can only be transformed.  And regardless of whether we are talking about ghosts or spirits, we are simply differing forms of energy.

Some psychologists note that the human mind is very gullible and argue that those who believe are more likely to see supposed paranormal activity.  Our preconceptions, they state, can cause us to find supernatural evidence in almost anything.  This may be true in some cases, but it doesn’t apply here.   Shortly after my experience with Anthony, I ran into a neighbor and asked if there had ever been a woman named Amanda who lived in my home.  She told me that she did not remember an Amanda but did recall a woman named Andrea. 

So, while some will say there is no scientific basis or proof in the reality of ghosts, those of us who have had such encounters will argue otherwise.  Happy Halloween!

The Stress Effect

It’s not the load that breaks you down, it’s the way you carry it.

Lou Holtz

By: Lia Varga, Guest Blogger

September 2021 is when I started to feel off. I felt disconnected from myself, mentally foggy, and constantly drained. I would frequently (pretty much every day) get headaches, and sometimes even migraines. I didn’t know what was happening to me or why, but I did know that I definitely was not myself. I wanted to fix that. So, I set up an appointment with a neurologist (which took me so long to get approval for…. stupid American healthcare system). After various MRIs and CT scans, they reached no conclusion, and decided to give me antidepressants until they found a better solution. I was hesitant, but decided to give it a try anyway. Not surprisingly, this did not help me. 

For months I felt like a zombie. I was on the wrong meds, had unresponsive neurologists, and still no idea what was wrong with me.

I knew I had hit a dead end with my care team and needed to try something else. So, I decided to see a new neurologist and get a second opinion. Thankfully, this proved itself to be one of the best decisions I could have made. This neurologist talked to me extensively about my symptoms, and didn’t recommend a prescription until he knew the source of what I was feeling. Eventually, we had our answer.

Everything I was experiencing was because of stress and anxiety.

I remember thinking, how could I have anxiety when I have such an easy going demeanor? When I think of someone with anxiety, I think of someone that is always worrying, always on edge and stressed out. That wasn’t really how I felt. On a day-to-day basis, I actually didn’t really feel much. 

Well, I also found out that I was experiencing dissociation. For those who may not know, dissociation can make you feel disconnected from yourself and the world around you, and is one way the mind copes with too much stress. At the time I was very stressed and anxious because of various life factors, but I was not consciously feeling it because of dissociation. 

Once I figured out the source of all of my symptoms, everything changed. My new neurologist prescribed me medications that block the physical effects of stress on the body, and I started to work with my therapist on how to reconnect with my emotions and handle stressful situations. After 1 month of this, I was already feeling much better than I had in the past 6 months. Once I knew the source of the problem, I was able to finally identify tactics to help me manage what I was feeling. And I am happy to say, 2 years after the fact, I have been feeling better ever since. 

Recently, I met a girl who told me she hadn’t felt like herself recently. She started to explain how she gets headaches and migraines almost every day, and doesn’t know why. She mentioned that she had gotten a myriad of tests done, and everything came back normal. Then, I told her I had experienced something similar, and recounted my story to her. Her jaw dropped in disbelief of the similarities of our stories. I asked her if she thought it were possible that her problems were all rooted in stress and anxiety like me, and she agreed that it indeed could very well be what was making her feel off for so long. I referred her to my neurologist, and she is now receiving the treatment she needs to feel like herself again.

After experiencing what I had, and meeting a few people who related to my story, I realized that many people underestimate the effect that stress can have on your physical and mental health if not managed properly. I have since researched the matter more extensively. Here are some of the things I have learned.

• Chronic stress can cause negative health effects on your mood, immune and digestive systems, and cardiovascular health. It can cause headaches, insomnia, high blood sugar, depression, anxiety, and a heightened risk of heart attack.
• Stress affects all systems of the body including the musculoskeletal, respiratory, cardiovascular, endocrine, gastrointestinal, nervous, and reproductive systems.
• Stress can impact cognitive functioning, and lead to difficulty concentrating and thinking, memory issues, negativity and inability to make decisions.
• Chronic stress decreases telomerase levels, which end up speeding the aging process. People whose bodies age faster will likely live shorter lives. So, chronic stress can shorten one’s lifespan.

This truly is just scratching the surface of all of the negative mental and physical effects that stress can have on your body. There are limitless research papers and articles highlighting the seemingly endless list of detriments related to stress. So, I hope this encourages you to reflect on your own stress levels, and if they are noticeably high and you can see it impacting your day to day life, then perhaps it is time to start taking stress management practices more seriously. There are many ways to help manage stress, such as exercise, getting adequate sleep, mindfulness and meditation, maintaining a healthy social support network, having a healthy diet, and practicing gratitude. However, If you think that chronic stress may be impacting you, I recommend seeing a therapist to talk more about the source of it and management techniques specific to you and your lifestyle. 

Overall, as I and many others have experienced, continuous feelings of stress over a prolonged period of time can have a serious negative impact on your body. Our body is our home, so make sure to confront the stress you are facing in your life so you can create a more peaceful environment for yourself to live.

The Happy Irish

For each petal on the shamrock, this brings a wish your way: Good health, good luck, and happiness for today and every day.”

Irish Blessing

Earlier this month, my family and I took a long-awaited trip to Ireland.  We arrived in Dublin in the crack of dawn groggy and tired from our long overnight flight and headed over to our hotel.  Once there, we were greeted with a smile and gratefully we were allowed to check into our hotel a full eight hours before check-in time.

After a short cat nap, we headed out to explore Dublin.  A short walk across the bridge crossing the Liffey River led us to the Temple Bar neighborhood, which is filled with cobbled streets, cafes, restaurants and, of course, crowded pubs bustling with live Irish folk music.  Our first stop was Fitzsimons Temple Bar.  Despite the fact that it was early in the afternoon, the music was lively, and the drinks were plentiful. 

This is not to be confused with the Temple Bar Pub, one of the most visited landmarks.  Established in 1840, it is not the oldest bar yet it’s arguably the most popular.  Dublin and other cities like Cork, Galway and Kilkenny have always held a certain magical allure.  Our packed trip included everything from the Cliffs of Moher, one of Ireland’s most popular tourist attractions, the Guiness Storehouse in Dublin, a medieval monastic settlement founded by Saint Kevin in the 6^th century known as Glendalough and plenty of incredible ancient castles including the Rock of Cashel, and the Dublin, Kilkenny, and Blarney castles. 

Although all of these castles were amazing, there was something about the Rock of Cashel that literally took my breath away. The legendary King of Ireland named Brian Boru who is said to have driven out the Vikings was crowned at Cashel in 978.  Most of the structures still standing today date back to the 12^th and 15^th centuries.  Our tour guide, however, insisted that the Rock of Cashel originated in 1101. 

I must mention the famous Blarney Castle and its popular Blarney Stone.  Our tour guide told us that there were several steps to the top of the castle.  He also mentioned that some tourists have gotten injured while making the climb to the top.  Once inside the castle, I quickly understood why.  To reach the legendary Blarney Stone, visitors must climb more than 100 narrow, steep stone steps with only a rope railing.  And once you’re inside, there is no room to turn back.  I know because I was afraid of falling and desperately wanted to turn around.

With no choice, however, I grabbed on to the thick rope that was bolted to the stone walls and hoisted myself up one step at a time.  Once I made it to the top, I felt like Rocky after he climbed the 72 stone steps leading to the entrance of the Philadelphia Museum of Art. 

My daughter Lia actually kissed the Blarney Stone, but my husband and I opted not to.  Why all the hype about kissing a very old stone anyway?  Well, there are quite a few legends.  The Blarney Stone, which is a block of Carboniferous limestone, is said to endow the kisser with the gift of gab (great eloquence).  Some legends claim the stone came from Stonehenge or Scotland, but experts are now certain that it is of Irish origin. 

Needless to say, Ireland is a breathtaking country with lots of beautiful sights. But despite the beautiful attractions and lush Irish countryside, what struck me most of all is the kind, warm and genuinely happy demeaner of the Irish.  One night we were walking back from one of our tours and heard blaring Irish music coming from a pub.  I was tired and wanted to put my feet up, but my husband couldn’t resist checking the place out.  Once inside we were greeted by a group of locals who were drinking Guiness and singing at the top of their lungs.  Before I knew it, a woman started pulling other women into the center of the floor to dance.  Before long, we were all dancing and interlocking our arms as though we were long lost friends. 

I honestly don’t think I have ever been in such a happy place.  And as it turns out, Ireland really is one of the happiest places to be.  The life expectancy in Ireland is actually longer than anywhere else in Europe.  When asked to rate their general satisfaction with life using a scale of 0 to 10, the Irish on average gave it a 7.  So, what’s the secret?  Simply put, they are more likely to focus on the positives than the negatives.  Perhaps this is due to the fact that the Irish really do have more time to just enjoy life.  Just under 5 percent of people in Ireland work long hours. This is not to say that they are not happy when they are working.  Employees in Dublin, for example, were found to be the happiest in Europe.

Ireland also has a free healthcare and education system.  Not having to worry about medical or college bills would certainly make me happy! Ireland may not be the cheapest place to live but over 85 percent are happy with their standard of living. 

In talking to one of the locals, I was told that spending quality time with family and friends is central to the wellbeing of the Irish.  Perhaps this is why you’ll never find an empty bar or restaurant in Dublin any day of the week.  People are always out having a good time and just enjoying life’s simple pleasures.

There is an Irish proverb which states, “No matter how many rooms you have in your house, you’re only able to sleep in one bed.”   Very true.  No matter how much money or rooms you may have, we all have the same basic needs.  Or another is, “However long the day, the evening will come.” Just a little friendly Irish reminder that bad times don’t last forever.  Always focus on the positive.

Some of the many benefits of positive thinking are a longer life span, improved overall well-being, lower cardiovascular disease and a decreased risk of depression and illnesses. It’s no surprise that the Irish enjoy all of the above. Never underestimate the power of a positive and happy mindset.

Although I will forever remember the beauty of Ireland, it is the undoubtedly friendly, happy, kind-hearted people that I will miss most.

What Connects Us All?

“To me, faith is not a public allegiance to a set of outer beliefs, but a private surrender to the inner Knowing.”

Glennon Doyle

By Guest Blogger, Lia Varga

The Inner Knowing

I am my own higher power
I am the source
Of everything I’ve been looking for
I just have to listen
And be present
Past the ego
And everything I think I am
There is something deeper, something divine
I have all of the answers
I can manifest my own desires
Maybe the power we give to God
Or “the universe”
Has been within us all along?

We have to listen to ourselves
We have to love ourselves
We have to believe that we are everything
Every higher power we talk about
What if it is not external?
What if it is all inside?
I believe we have the power to provide ourselves with everything
If we worship ourselves
The same way we would worship a god

I know what you’re thinking. That’s a pretty intense way to start a blog! Way to make me question reality on a random insignificant weekday! Yeah, I know. But I honestly couldn’t think of a better way to introduce this topic.

This is a poem I wrote a month ago. Upon connecting with myself and growing spiritually, I have come to question many things about my life. Those questions led to deep contemplation and reflection, and that led me to big realizations.

Let me preface this. This is a pretty big spiritual concept. I tried telling it to one of my friends one time and I think I broke his brain. But even if you can’t fully conceptualize this, I hope you’ll at least think about it a little bit before you move on with your life and forget about this article forever.

So, question #1: What are the similarities between different faiths/ belief systems?

I feel as if many of us are trained to believe that religions are all so different from each other, and not connected at all. As if opposing religions and beliefs rival each other. Like just one religion is “right” and the rest are wrong. Personally, this never sat right with me. I thought there was no way to rule out that any other set of beliefs were any less valid than mine if I hadn’t studied them all. So, I started becoming more curious about the topic and took a comparative religions class in college. Here, we studied all different types of religions, their origins, and religion itself. From this class, what I learned is that a significant connecting factor between religions is faith that some form of higher power exists. Whether that is God, some other deity, ultimate oneness, or a higher consciousness, it is the faith that something bigger than us exists that most religions share.

I noticed that people focused too much on the differences of how these higher powers are defined, rather than the overall similarity that is the belief in this higher power’s existence. And I believe that this does not separate us. It connects us.

Question #2: Where does this awareness of a higher power come from that many of
us innately share?

I find it interesting that so many people believe in something bigger than the life we live, something beyond understanding, yet call it so many different things. People all over the world, across centuries, have all shared this knowledge, this belief, this feeling that there is something bigger than themselves. But, what if this feeling itself is the higher power?

What if the connection we feel to the thing is the thing itself?

What if it is not external?

What if it’s inside everyone?

Question #3: How does this all relate to you, Lia?

All of these questions led me to think of my personal connection to this thing. To God, “the universe”, the collective consciousness. Whatever it is that is inside of me that I feel connected to– I wanted to explore it and see how deep it goes. I wanted to give it attention, give it power. So, I started to read more spiritual books. I began to meditate and learned how to quiet my mind and body. I would sink into a deep internal state. And somewhere within, there is a deep, inner voice.

This is not a conscious thought. This is a deep, inner knowing (shoutout to Glennon Doyle… I stole this term from her). (By the way you all should read her book Untamed, it’s amazing). This inner knowing doesn’t even feel like it is a part of me personally. It feels like something much wiser, much truer than that.

I began to listen to it more. Whenever I would feel anxious or uncertain, I would try to find that place within me and listen. Normally, it has the answers. It has never once misled me. It actually has caused me to feel even more connected to myself than I ever have.

The connection I feel to my inner knowing brings me deep comfort. I know that it is something so true and powerful that it feels divine. It feels like God. It feels like oneness. It feels like “the universe.” And it is within me.

I believe that everyone has the power to connect to their inner knowing, or whatever you want to call it. Perhaps it is simply everyone’s individual connection to divinity. Perhaps it is how we have always known, throughout time, that a higher power was there. Perhaps we all are much closer to it than we think.

I encourage those who are reading this to remain open minded. Think about this. And maybe, if it feels right, try to connect to it, too. And if you do, I assure you, it will completely change your life.

Embrace the Power of Silence

“I’ve begun to realize that you can listen to silence and learn from it. It has a quality and a dimension all its own.”

Chaim Potok

Perhaps you’ve seen Kia’s latest commercial directed by German-born filmmaker Marc Foster to launch its all-electric EV6 GT.  The clever ad features spokesperson Kris Martin, a professional race car driver who happens to be deaf racing the vehicle.  Demonstrating just how powerful silence can be, Martin, a six-time National Kart Champion and motivational speaker, is seen signing, “I don’t need noise to tell me something is fast. I can feel 0-60 mph in 3.4 seconds.   I’ve been deaf since I was born. It taught me one thing. . .”  Showing high performance vehicles need not be loud to be fast and strong, the 30-second spot then ends with the tagline “Silence is Powerful.”

Admittedly, very few commercials stay with me the way this one has.  As someone who is hearing impaired, I can certainly relate. I admire Martin for his inspiring success and applaud Kia America for choosing him as its spokesperson.  What some may not realize is the profound universal truth of his message.  Silence actually is powerful and can be beneficial to both your health and your state of mind.

Silence, however, is hard to come by amidst the loud and overwhelming world we live in.  While noise pollution has been linked to stress, hearing loss and heart attacks, peace and quiet has alternately been linked to better overall health, increased productivity, brain growth, and heightened concentration. Noise, which is defined as any unwanted sound, has actually been found in recent studies to have the potential to take years off your life.

One of my favorite quotes was said by Thomas Carlyle who wrote, “Speech is of time, silence is of eternity.”   Carlyle was suggesting the importance of silence by pointing out that silence could be more powerful than words.  While words are temporary, he noted, silence is infinite because it is not limited by time as it is the language of the soul.  It is the gateway to clarity and connection.

Yet another favorite of mine by O.A. Battista, is, “There are times when silence is the best way to yell at the top of your voice.” Kris Martin has certainly made his point loud and clear without any need for words.

When was the last time you actually took a moment to be still and just listen to the silence? When was the last time you took steps to quiet your mind?  Silent listening is not easy amidst today’s constant barrage of information, text messages, phone calls, social media, etc.  But it is well worth the reward of hearing the sound of your inner voice.  It is in moments of silence when our soul speaks the loudest. 

Embrace the silence.  Listen. Trust. Learn.